The Mary Sue Murders
by Part-Time Robot
Summary: Formerly "A Late Night Visit." Johnny meets various Mary Sues, and shows them why they should not exist. Not for those who like JohnnyOC romances. [Rated R for language and heavy violence. Complete.]
1. Popular Does Not Equal Likeable

( Author's Notes: This story is highly anti-romance, so if you think Johnny has found his one twu wuv, you're sadly mistaken. This story is the anti-love story, against all of the Mary Sues that constantly plague Johnny in fanfiction. Most original character romances usually turn Johnny around, make him realize his problems, or are instantly able to seduce him because they're "just like him!!1!" I, and other JV fans, are tired of this nonsense, because most of these stories are most likely written by prepubescent fangirls who want nothing more than to get into Johnny's ink-and-paper pants. If you are going to create a romance for Johnny, READ THE FUCKING BOOKS, and take a lesson from Devi. Thank you. )

* * *

The moonlight shone through the curtainless windows and landed on the tall, sickly figure of Johnny C., who was illuminated by the light of the television screen. Lazily, he punched the buttons of the remote control, enjoying the screams of the pimple-faced teenager who had spit in his meal earlier at Burger Hell. Electronic torture equipment was such a powerful thing, especially when it was hooked up to everyday items. Each time Johnny pressed a button on the control, the greasy burger lackey screamed as he got ten thousand volts through a probe in his ear. Johnny snickered, taking pleasure in his handiwork. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. 

"…the fuck?" Johnny wondered aloud, getting up to answer the door. He peered out the window first, but since he was devoid of any outside light, he could only glimpse a tall shadow on the step. Warily, he pulled the door open a crack, warding himself against any possible danger. "Yes?"

"Hi!" A high-pitched, giggly voice greeted the man as his door was pushed open. Into the light stepped a tall, impossibly thin girl with a Barbie doll figure. Her champagne blonde hair had pale almond streaks and fell in perfect waves down her back, stopping just below her hips. Johnny could barely see by the light of the television that she had pale blue eyes, her skin was a brassy tan with a smattering of freckles across her nose, and her clothes clung to her body like plastic wrap. "My name's Courtney and I'm your new next-door neighbor! It's so cool to meet you!" She grabbed Johnny's hand and squeezed it affectionately, as if she had known him all her life.

His hand recoiling from the girl's touch, Johnny looked her up and down with distaste. She was so…disgustingly perfect, and quite scary. "Okay…but why the hell are you at my house at two in the morning?"

Courtney gave a sugary giggle as she began wandering around Johnny's living room, glancing at the various "ornaments" scattered around the room. "Don't you know? I always stay up this late! You know what the awesome thing is? I'm able to get up at seven the next morning and not be tired! And my skin is never messed up! It's so great! Isn't it?" She stopped in front of Reverend Meat's shelf and looked at Johnny, who had a void look on his face. "Y'know, you're kinda cute."

One of the muscles below Johnny's right eye twitched slightly. There was something seriously wrong about this girl. "Your voice gives me a headache…no, wait, everything about you does. Do you mind leaving…and never coming back?" He turned around and faced the window, trying desperately to suppress the anger this irritant was causing.

"You're silly," the girl giggled, walking up to Johnny. "You're like all my old boyfriends! They complained about me all the time! All they said was that I talked too much, that I was too hyper; I was too 'ditzy' for them. Isn't that stupid?" she said practically in one breath. "I mean, everyone else loves me! I was the most popular girl at my old school, and all the guys loved me, but once they started to go out with me, they started to hate me. That was so totally uncool. How could they hate me?! They're all so lame!"

Face in hand, Johnny turned around. "You still haven't told me why you're here, you plastic, buzzing fucktard. Really, all your words have started to run together."

Courtney flipped her hair, examined her right fingernails, and looked to Johnny with a vacant smile on her face. "Duh! Hello, I've fallen in love with you!" As usual, she finished her sentence with a bubblegum giggle. "You must not have had a girlfriend before, because can't you see how pretty and perfect I am? You'd be the perfect boyfriend! You're so dark and mysterious!"

'I can't take much more of this shit,' thought Johnny. 'I have to do something. NOW.' Gripping the knife handle in his trench coat pocket, he looked at the girl with an expression of venomous distaste. "Yeah…dark and mysterious. In fact, how about you come back in my bedroom, and I can show you how mysterious I can be." He gave the girl a cold, hard stare, hating himself for resorting to these measures.

Gasping, Courtney raised two perfectly manicured hands to her face. "Really? Ohmygod, ohmygod! This is so great!" She squealed in happiness as she made her way towards Johnny's bedroom, with him following behind. He gripped his knife tighter, waiting for the perfect moment. Courtney's ecstatic gait slowed to a stop as she looked around the dusty, smelly bedroom: the unmade, crusty bed, the shattered, bloodstained mirror, the crumbling figures of the two Doughboys in the corner. Her pert nose wrinkled in distaste. "Ugh, your bedroom is so grody! Don't you ever clean…er…what was your name again?"

"Johnny. My name's Johnny," he said, narrowing his eyes.

The girl sidled over towards him and grabbed his arm, looking up into his disgusted face. "Johnny? That's such a cute name!"

"Yes…cute," he said. This was the perfect moment. Johnny raised his foot, clad in his trademark boots, and kicked her square in the face. Blood spattered from her nose as she fell backwards onto the filthy bed, her right eye poked by the toe and turning black. While she was down, Johnny removed the knife from his pocket and brought it down straight into her stomach, grinning as she screamed in horror.

"What are you doing? This isn't how it's supposed to go!" Courtney screamed as he dug the knife further into her gut, driving it into the mattress. "Oh God! I'm getting blood in my hair, you psychopathic freakazoid!"

"You! You pathetic little ass tick!" Johnny hissed as he loomed over her, jabbing her in the nose with his long, pointed finger. "It's loathsome creatures like you that make me sick! It's as if you only exist to satisfy your hormonal, empty-minded desires!" He turned away, grabbing a shard of glass from the floor and raising it above his bed-ridden victim. "Do you wonder why nobody likes you? It's because you're a pathetic, whiny shell of supposed perfection!" he screamed. Enraged, he brought the glass down, slicing the girl's perfect arms, legs, and bared stomach, cutting harder and deeper with each pleading scream. "Everyone wonders why I hide myself away from humanity? It's because of 'people' like you! You're so pitiful you're willing to make yourself available to someone you just met! Acting like love is something you can buy at the 24-7 for a dollar fifty, when it's nothing more than another meaningless emotion!" In a final act of rage, he shoved the jagged shard into her neck, spurting blood everywhere.

"B-but…you're supposed to…like me! Everyone…else does!" Courtney managed to choke out, her words cracking as her voice box splintered.

'Damnit, is she EVER going to die?' Johnny thought to himself as he picked up her shoe. He ran his finger along the high pointed heel, which was surprisingly pointy for a shoe. Leaning over the crying girl, he smiled wickedly. "Well, fuck you, and fuck everyone else. It's been fun," he said. With a loud SLAP, he brought the shoe down on her forehead, the heel impaling itself into her brain.

Without looking back at his latest work, Johnny slammed the door to his bedroom and grabbed his car keys from the table. "Damned airhead. I need a Brain Freezy."

The End!


	2. As For Raven, She's Nevermore

( Author's Notes: Wow. I'm surprised at the response I got from the previous chapter. Glad to know that I'm not the only one who thinks this needed to be done. : You might've been thinking "Why did you do a preppy Sue first? Goth/punk/tortured poet/other misunderstood subculture Sues are much more abundant in the Jhonen fandom." Well, yes, but I had to get the preppy Sue out of the way first. I had to interact with girls who weren't much different than the girl in the first chapter. Yes. Really. Try "leaving-your-purse-open-and-exposing-a-box-of-tampons-at-school" stupid. But now that I have released my school-year anger (rawr) through writing, we are prepared to take on the real Johnny-Sues. If you're a South Park fan, like I am, you'll most likely enjoy this chapter, provided you've seen the newer episodes. )

* * *

Johnny slowed to a stop as he approached the 24/7's parking lot. He pulled into a parking space directly in front of the door, and noticed the sign. "Oh…handicapped spot. Damn." Not bothering to turn around and check behind him, he shifted his car into reverse and drove straight backwards, miraculously not running over and/or damaging anything. _Ahhh…that Brain Freezy is sounding good right about now,_ Johnny thought, his tongue working its way out the corner of his mouth as he shut off the ignition. He reached to open the door, and suddenly noticed his bloodstained hands; he had not bothered to clean himself up after his experience with his "new neighbor."

_Better fix that._ Opening the glove compartment, Johnny coughed as a cloud of dust emanated from the box and into his face. _I know there's a Wet Wipey in here somewhere…oh, wait, there it is._ Johnny ripped the small foil package and pulled out the moist towelette, wiping some of the dried blood from his hands. _Well, it's a little better._ He tossed the trash into the backseat and closed the glove compartment, anxious to get some slushy brain-freezing goodness. While normally the machines were shut off at 2 a.m., the 24/7 management had recently decided to leave the machines open, well…24/7, after a recent incident that involved the murder of a cashier. The murderer was never found, strangely enough.

The automatic doors slid open, admitting Johnny into the brightly lit store. The clock on the wall read 3 a.m., yet insomniacs were still roaming the aisles, mostly buying cigarettes to satisfy their late-night nicotine cravings. In the corner, Johnny noticed a couple of stoned teenagers staring at their reflection in a roll of aluminum foil. "It's like a living mirror!" one said in a dull, flat voice.

Ignoring the nocturnal pests, Johnny made his way towards the Brain Freezy machine towards the back of the store. When he reached his destination, he noticed that he was not alone.

A tall, strange-looking girl stood at the machine, filling her X-Tra Large cup full of Cherry Doom Freezy. She had choppy black hair with an occasional streak of blood-red, which eerily matched her plaid pleated skirt. She had on a pair of combat boots, which laced up to mid-calf, and a pair of dirty, torn white knee socks peeked out from above the boots—the only thing on the outfit that didn't look new. Although he only had a back view of the girl, Johnny could see that she had on a rather tight black t-shirt, and upon closer inspection, he caught a glimpse of a Hot Topic price tag, still attached to the shirt label. A black messenger bag, covered with band patches, was slung over her left shoulder.

Her cup now filled, she turned to grab a straw, and now faced Johnny straight on. He could now see that her wrists were laden with black and red snap bracelets, a spiked cuff rested on her right wrist, and a studded dog collar was around her neck. Her shirt bore a red anarchy symbol, and her complexion was very pale. The only thing that stood out from all the red and black was her eyes, which were bright, piercing blue. They unnerved Johnny slightly as he made his way around the girl, who watched him prepare his own Cherry Freezy. She reminded him of the fad-conscious teenyboppers that hung around the mall on weekends.

He had just snapped the lid onto his cup when he heard a voice from behind him: "What's your name?" Slowly looking over his shoulder, Johnny noticed that the girl was _still_ there, staring at him as she sipped her Brain Freezy nonchalantly.

"Uh…Johnny," he said, giving her a strange look.

Her eyes seemed to drill a hole in his skull. "I'm Raven."

"…that's great. Well, I'd better be going now, so…bye?" Johnny began to slowly make his way from Raven, disturbed slightly. Her voice was dull and apathetic, a vast opposite from the perky girl he had slaughtered just earlier. It was no less frightening, so he hurriedly paid for his Brain Freezy and walked out of the store, anxious to get to his car and back home.

He had no sooner shut the door and turned to find his keys when he heard the same flat voice: "Where are you going?"

Whirling around, Johnny came face-to-face with Raven again, standing next to his car, still sipping her Brain Freezy. Her dull, blank expression had a hint of mild curiosity.

"Home," replied Johnny, raising an eyebrow in confusion. "Why? What the hell do you want?"

"I don't have a home. My parents oppressed me so much. My life is full of woe."

_Oh, Jesus. _"I'm…sure it is." He reached over into the passenger seat and began rummaging around in the pile of junk. _Keys, keys, where are the goddamn keys?!_

She nodded. "They don't approve of the way I dress. They don't give me money when the latest shipment of Good Charlotte and Simple Plan CDs comes in at Hot Topic. They refused to let me paint my entire room black. They tell me to stop cutting. They tell me to be more feminine, to be like all of those other _conformists_."

Smiling weakly, Johnny continued to feel through the junk. _Where the hell...there! Yes! Escape! _"That's great…look, I really have to go, but if you want to meet up again and let me impale you with an iron stick, that'd be great." He shoved the keys into the ignition and sped away with tires squealing. In his rearview mirror, Johnny could see her staring after him as he sped away.

_That was a close one,_ he thought, taking a sip of his almost-forgotten Brain Freezy. _That is the most heinous thing a person can unleash upon this Earth. Note to self—torture weapons for on the go. Which reminds me…I really should go and try to clean up that carcass in the bedroom. Eurgh._

Reaching the (almost) quaint little neighborhood where he lived, Johnny slowed to a stop in front of his barren, unkempt house and got out of his car. Brain Freezy in hand, he made his way up the walk and opened the door, which he never bothered to lock. Suddenly...a voice came from behind him.

"Why did you leave me there, alone?"

_Splat_. The frozen slush splattered all over the floor as Johnny spun around again, expecting to meet his new "friend." "_How the fuck did you find out where I live?!_" However, Raven was not behind him like he thought. "Where are you?"

"Here." The voice came from behind him. Slowly, warily, he looked over his shoulder.

She stood in the middle of his living room, her heavily-eyelined eyes contorted in woe. "I followed your sadness. I could sense it. You have 'that look', that look that shows you've been in a terrible life. You look like you hate so much. How could you leave such a kindred spirit behind?"

Johnny narrowed his eyes. This situation seemed eerily familiar. Who _was_ this, that dumbfuck Jimmy with estrogen? "It was really quite easy, and I'll gladly do it again. Get the hell out of my house."

"But I _ca-a-a-an't_!" wailed Raven. "You and I are so alike! It's uncanny!"

Commence fist-clenching. "What's uncanny is your ability to piss me off without even trying."

Raven didn't seem to have heard his last remark. She began wandering throughout the room, gesturing about. "Your house represents my life—dark, dreary, with little to no substance! Really, you and I could get along so well! I should come visit you more often so we can share our stories of woe together."

_Not if I can help it. I'm so glad you're wandering near the basement. Please, go closer._

"Like just recently, I wanted to leave the house at two in the morning and visit the graveyard, so I could catch up on my poetry, but my _conformist _dad said no. Stupid bastard, doesn't he see that—aaack!"

Johnny lowered his foot, watching her tumble down the stairs. She landed at the bottom in a heap of red and black…some of the red seeping from her body. Stupid bint, she should've known better than to keep her back turned to him. "What a shame."

Moaning, Raven began to sit up, rubbing her lower back. Her clothes scuffed and dirty, patches of blue beginning to appear beneath the thick coat of black eyeliner, she turned to face Johnny. "Why did you…" Her words trailed off into whimpers as she noticed him descending the stairs, a look of deep contempt on his face. Hurriedly, she began to back herself into a corner. "Don't…hurt me…please…"

"Why?" Johnny asked, in a voice thick with mock concern. "Don't want to know what _real_ pain feels like?" He grabbed a knife from the floor, crusty with dried blood. "Tell you what; I'll go easy on you. Dirty instruments dull the pain, especially on your first time."

Whimpering louder, the cornered Raven hurriedly stood up. Never had she expected to be in such a situation—she was only trying to find a mutual friend! Pushing Johnny out of the way, she attempted to make a run for her life, and made a beeline for the staircase. She had almost made it when she heard a swishing sound, and collapsed unexpectedly. Looking down, she noticed the knife was stuck in her ankle, and she cried out in agony. "Why?!"

Looming above her, Johnny couldn't help but smile as she clutched her leg in pain. "Oh, I'm sorry, _Nancy_, was the pain too much for your happy little world? I thought you'd enjoy this, seeing as how you seem to enjoy cutting yourself." Observing idly, he reached to the side and grabbed another knife from the table, this time clean. "But you see, there's such a thing called _life"_—he stabbed her in the right arm—"and it has a little friend called _pain_! Not your stupid, fucked up angst-ridden pain, but _real _pain! Shit that really hurts! Shit you can't ignore by calling 'conformity!'"

Squeezing her eyes shut, Raven cried out—a desperate wish to be anywhere, anywhere but here, slowly bleeding to death. She had never imagined death to be this way. Either it came like a shadow and silently carried you away, or it took others in a violent rampage along with you. At least, that was what all her poetry books told her, and they were never wrong! "No…"

This was probably the most fun he'd had all night. Smiling, Johnny bent down and removed the spiky bracelet from her wrist, now soaked in blood. "Y'know, I think we can have a little fun with this too," he said. "Let's be creative in watching you go." Whistling, he wrapped it around the bottom of his hammer, still caked with blood and brains from the last basement adventure. "Odd, really. You're in the same exact position as my last admirer. Maybe you'll meet up—JohnnyCon in Hell sounds like fun."

The last thing Raven ever saw, her tear-brimmed eyes wide with fear, was Johnny's wicked smile and her seven dollar spiked cuff bracelet zooming towards her face.

Johnny climbed the stairs, shutting the blood-spattered basement door behind him. He peered out the window, noticing that the dark-blue sky was now tinged with pink along the horizon. _A night well done, I'd say,_ he thought, whistling happily as he made his way into the kitchen, now ready for a healthy, nutritious breakfast. _Nothing better to start the day._


	3. TSS: Twin Sister Syndrome

( Author's Notes: Oh no! School has started! You know what that means! …eh, I'm exactly the most diligent person with keeping up with this story anyway. Anyway, if any of you readers frequent the Harry Potter section here, I'm sure you've seen plenty of stories like this upcoming chapter. However, here you'll actually get to see them get what they deserve. Isn't that GREAT?!!?!one!!? Of course it is. )

* * *

It had been a few weeks since the last incident, and since then, Johnny had (thankfully) not encountered any more "strange" people. He had only recently brushed the girls off as nothing, just another horrible day in his life, did only God-knows-what with the bodies, and moved on. However, he knew that his karma was never very good, and that something would, eventually, come along and ruin the peace.

How right he was.

Since the incident with Raven, leaving the house had not been a favorable prospect for Johnny. Not that it had ever been, but he simply didn't want to alert any more frightening people to his home. If no one knew he even existed, save for little Squeegee next door, then they wouldn't bother looking for him. Except for the occasional shopping for necessities to keep him alive, Johnny stayed inside, keeping busy with Happy Noodle Boy and driving the voices away from his head.

The only downside to staying inside was that it stifled Johnny's creativity. His latest project was "Happy Noodle Boy's Family Reunion," which he was almost finished with. Normally he could spout off any random, crazy idea from the top of his head and a comic would be born. But since he was no longer around humans, his inspiration was certainly lacking. Sighing, Johnny dipped the pen into the inkwell to finish up the final page when he heard a knock at the door.

"Shit. Girl Scouts again? I thought I scared them off months ago," he said, standing up from the box of nails he used as a chair and peeking out the window. He couldn't see a troop of little girls carrying cookies, but rather a tall, black-haired girl who appeared to be looking at a piece of paper. She raised her fist and knocked again.

Johnny found it sorely tempting to just leave her standing on the doorstep, but she didn't appear as insane as the other girls. In fact, she looked practically normal, except for her clothing. She was wearing a black long-sleeved shirt with white stripes on the sleeves, a black and purple skirt, fishnet tights, and a pair of boots that were strikingly similar to Johnny's. But in his eyes, she appeared perfectly ordinary. With a hint of caution, he cracked the door and peered out warily at the girl. "Yes?"

"Um, hi. Is this house number 777?" the girl asked nervously.

Up close, Johnny could see she had a ring of eyeliner around her brown eyes. He pointed a long, thin finger at the tarnished plaque beside the useless doorbell. "Obviously."

She let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, great! And you're Johnny, right?"

The door opened a crack wider. "Yeah. If you don't mind me asking, who the hell are you?"

The girl blushed, and rubbed the back of her head, laughing nervously. "Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot to introduce myself! My name is Jenny. I heard about you from this little boy I had to babysit once. What was his name…Todd?"

"Todd?" Johnny opened the door fully. "You mean Squee?"

"Yeah, him. Anyway, he told me about the 'scary neighbor man' next door and showed me a picture you'd given him. He told me your name was Johnny, and it triggered something in my mind. You see, I vaguely remembered someone named Johnny from when I was younger—"

Johnny raised a hand. "Enough. I've heard enough. Listen, I've had a lot of fucking crazy experiences in these last few weeks, and I'm not mentally prepared to face another one. If you are, somehow, related to or know me, please go away. Thank you." And with that, he slammed the door in Jenny's face.

As soon as he turned around, he heard her scream _"Is this how you treat your own sister?!" _It was enough to make him fling the door back open on the spot.

"Sister? Damn it, not you too—"

Jenny pushed Johnny back, forcing herself over the threshold and into his living room. She grabbed his arm. "Yes, you little fuck, _sister_. Don't tell me you don't remember your own twin sister?!" she yelled, her temper flaring. If anything, she did resemble Johnny in _that_ manner.

"No. No, I don't!" Johnny shouted back, wrenching his arm out of Jenny's grasp, giving her a cold glare. "If I even _had_ a sister, there would be another person in the world who is as fucked up as I am! You are—well, my first impression was that you were somewhat normal, but with all these abnormal coincidences going on lately, I refuse to believe you're normal now. So I'm giving you one last chance to get the hell out of my house."

He turned around, intending to let her find her own way out. However, he felt something clutch onto his leg, causing him to stop in his tracks. He looked down and saw Jenny attached to his left leg, with tears running down her face.

"Please, Johnny, you have to remember me! The Dark Mysterious Past™ we suffered together! Don't you remember when I used to come into your room at night and we'd talk? Or when we played jokes on everyone else at school? How we both excelled in art class and tied for the top grades? Come on, I know you remember!" she bawled, hugging his leg tighter.

Johnny's frustration knew no bounds. He took this as a good opportunity to poke her face with the toe of his boot as he shook her away. "No, damnit, no! Don't you realize that none of that applies to me? I have no dark mysterious past, I wasn't some stupid person who played jokes on others, I never had any family—especially one as fucked up as you—and I wasn't the kind who would let someone in my room at night!" No sooner had he shaken her away, she came crawling back to his leg.

This was getting out of control. Johnny looked around for the closest heavy object he could hurl at the girl, which happened to be the box of nails he was sitting on earlier. With a wicked smile on his face, he picked up the box with surprising strength and brought it down on Jenny's head. Nails exploded everywhere, leaving scratches and punctures in her skin. She screamed and flailed about, immediately releasing herself from his leg and driving some of the nails deeper into her skin.

"You see?" Johnny said coolly, standing over Jenny with a look of mild amusement on his face. "You see what would have happened, had I had a sister? She would have ended up in your condition long, long ago, if she was lucky. If she wasn't lucky…well, she would've ended up the way you're probably going to end up."

Jenny's eyes widened in fear. There were trails of blood beneath her eyes that made it appear as if she were crying blood. "You…fuck…you can't do this! You're insane!" she yelled, backing away from Johnny with the appearance of a deer in headlights. When she reached the wall, she painfully tried to stand up—anything to get her away from this psychopath.

"Really, that's old news," Johnny said, reaching behind his couch and pulling out a lead pipe. "You see, normally I would be spewing forth my rage and anger at you, but I've begun to expect these sort of things lately. You're not the first who's come here and tried to get closer to me. I've grown bored with this sort of thing." He began to make his way towards Jenny, raising the pipe menacingly.

"No! _No! No!!_" screamed Jenny, doing her best to hobble away from Johnny's advances. "Leave me alone! I'll leave, I promise! Just don't hurt me!"

He lowered the pipe for a minute, giving Jenny a bemused glare. "I wonder why everyone says that when it's too late?" His expression soon changed from questioning to furious as he swung the pipe and struck the side of her head with a sickening thud. Jenny fell over, nails pushing deeper and deeper into her body, landing into a pile of blood. She still had a shred of consciousness left as she looked up at Johnny with one last begging glance.

"Really, I admire your perseverance," he said. _Thunk. _The pipe came down for once last blow, putting Jenny out of her pain-filled misery and putting her out of Johnny's life.

He casually tossed the pipe over his shoulder, and noticed that Jenny had left the door open. The piece of paper she had been reading from had drifted into the living room and had a couple of blood splatters in the upper corner. Intrigued, Johnny picked it up and read it aloud.

"'Johnny C., 777 Park…'...ohh." He looked from the paper to Jenny's body and back. "Looks like she went over one street too far. That guy lives on the next street." Shrugging and smiling to himself, he crumpled the scrap of paper and threw it to rest with Jenny.


	4. Unwanted Charity

( Author's Notes: Ack, has it really been almost three months since I updated? Bad me! I really have been trying to get this chapter out for a long time, but I just couldn't write it. Writer's block, I s'pose. I couldn't draw for a while, either. But I just told myself to start writing, things would flow…and wouldn't ya know, it did. Imagine that. Anyway, I changed the title of the story—"The Mary Sue Murders" seemed to fit much better. Tell me what you think, and enjoy! )

* * *

Grumbling, Johnny set to work scrubbing the freshly-splattered blood from his door. "Pizza kits? Why the hell would I want to buy some kit to make my own pizza when I can just call Parcheesi's? Miserable little monsters." Earlier, a group of middle-school students had knocked on the door, offering to sell Johnny a make-your-own-pizza kit, claiming the proceeds went to the school's already overindulged sports program. His answer was a shovel to the head of the group's leader. While he had managed to give her a concussion and possibly some severe hemorrhaging, the others had scattered almost immediately, leaving Johnny to clean up the mess himself.

He backed up to see if the blood was completely wiped from the door when the heel of his boot thumped against something hard. Looking down, Johnny saw that one of the children had dropped their display kit in the midst of running away. The bottom of the white cardboard box was starting to soak up blood, but otherwise it looked untouched. "Well…I don't think they'll be coming back for it…and I haven't had lunch yet," Johnny mused, stooping to pick up the kit. "It also gives them a lighter load to carry." Whistling cheerfully, he picked it up and carried it into the house.

Johnny kicked the door shut behind him and dropped the kit onto his messy, dilapidated table. He opened the lid to find a packet of ready-made dough, cheese, a tube of sauce, a packet of pepperoni, and oregano. "Well, damn. This is just a Lunchable you have to cook," he said, mildly disappointed. There was no oven in the house (though it could be a useful investment for future tortures) and Johnny was not patient enough to attempt cooking a whole pizza in the microwave. Emotionally rebounding, he grabbed the cheese and pepperoni and proceeded to make a snack out of them. He was happily slicing cheese and layering it with pepperoni when…

_Knock! Knock! Knock-knock-knock!_

His head jerked up, an eyebrow rising at the sudden disturbance. In a rare moment of clumsiness, the knife slipped from his hand, piercing the tube of tomato sauce, causing it to squirt everywhere…mainly Johnny.

"AAH! _Fuck!_" he yelled, wincing as the sauce splattered his face and hands. As if things couldn't get more hectic, the visitor knocked again. Johnny was used to chaos; he just wasn't used to being the center of it all. "Damnit," he muttered, walking to the door and pushing it open bitterly. "What do you want?"

The caller, apparently, was not prepared to see Johnny dripping with tomato sauce with a sour look on his face, from the surprised expression in her eyes. Her thick, wavy golden-blonde hair was held back in a ponytail, a few tendrils hanging loose by her face. Her crystal blue eyes held a surprised look, but at the same time radiated love and warmth. She wore a dress that matched her eyes, and she was very thin. She looked at Johnny and coughed nervously. "Erm…yes, hi. I'm your next-door neighbor. My name is Epiphany."

_Just how many "next-doors" do I have?_

"You see, I was outside tending to this poor creature's wounds…it flew into my window"—she held up a battered bird, which, to Johnny, looked dead—"when I heard the darling little children at your door. I looked over my fence, preparing to tell them I would support their cause, when all of a sudden I saw you hit that child with a shovel!"

Johnny licked some sauce from his fingertips, looking at Epiphany boredly. "Oh, goodness. My temper really got the better of me, didn't it? Oh well, though, you can't say she didn't deserve it. By the way, congratulations. You're the first person to ever catch me." _You aren't making it out alive._

Epiphany clasped her hands, looking at Johnny with a deeply concerned expression. "You poor thing! You're so mentally ill, I can't let you go! Look at you—you're covered in blood and you're licking off, enjoying it!"

_Blood?_ Looking down, Johnny stopped in the middle of sucking his fingertip. "This isn't blood, it's pizza sauce, you twit. I accidentally stabbed the container and it…"

"You really are delusional!" cried Epiphany, flinging herself upon Johnny. "I can't leave you now! That's it, I'll just have to care for you until you're all better again." She released him, and pushed past Johnny into the house, her back turned towards him and ticking the steps on her fingers. "I'll have to show you the way of a normal life, clean your house, fall in love with you to make it all easier, and possibly follow it up with some good healing sex. We'll have you being a respectable member of society yet, and I'll most certainly show you the light!"

Sighing, Johnny let his head fall into his hand. "Shit, do I really have to explain this again?" he said to himself as Epiphany rattled on. "I'm going to hate myself for this, but…" He picked up the sauce-covered knife from the table and held it behind his back, a forced smile crossing his face. "Oh, yes…uh, Epiphany. That sounds great. I can't wait to live this…light-filled life you so sickeningly described to me in full-color detail."

Epiphany blinked as the words sunk in. No one had ever so willingly given in to her help. Clasping her hands again, she turned around, her eyes alight with happiness. "Oh, really? You mean it? This is fantastic! You'll be my life's work! We'll fall in love and I'll convert you with one mad night of passionate sex and lovechild creation, and before you know it, you'll be soft and fuzzy and living a wonderful normal life!"

_Like Hell I will._

She flung herself upon him again, almost crushing Johnny in a gigantic hug. "I can't wait! Let's—ACK!" Her words were cut off by the violent thrust of a knife through her abdomen, as Johnny's forced smile faded into a deranged one. He twisted it around cruelly for a moment before pulling it back out, the blade now covered in much more than pizza sauce.

"Yes, let's. Let's get started with our lesson, shall we?" He didn't wait for Epiphany to moan a response before continuing. "Of course, you're not going to teach this lesson, but it's still an educational experience. You see, the human race is full of many interesting subgroups. I myself happen to belong to a rather fucked-up subgroup that I seem to be alone in. This group is badly neglected and needs repair, but it's still a group nonetheless," he said, gesticulating as he walked around his fallen visitor in a circle.

"One such example of the flaws is human contact. Many need it to survive; I, however, thrive without it. Every time I happen to make contact with another pitiful being, it always ends in chaos and disorder, mostly my doing. Do you happen to know the cause of this, why everything I do ends like what you're experiencing right now? It's because of your ignorance! People like you are so wrapped up in their imaginary worlds that you cause things that shouldn't happen! If more people would pay attention to the real world and take note of what happens, I probably wouldn't be so screwed in the head, because stupidity would no longer exist!" he yelled, pointing at Epiphany with the blade. "Everyone likes to think whatever works for them is what is right and you want to enforce it on others, never mind the many glaring examples of how this doesn't work in the past!"

Epiphany coughed, clutching her abdomen as her blue dress slowly became more and more purple. "I just wanted…to help you…"

Johnny loomed over her, eyebrow raised. "Is that so? Well, another thing I thrive without is help. I am perfectly capable of helping myself when I need it, and it seems that I don't need it right now, do I? I'm really doing the world a favor by ridding it of people like you. From chaos comes clarity, you know."

"No…I refuse to believe that. You just…all you need is love…"

"_Fuck love!_" yelled Johnny, driving another stab into Epiphany's abdomen, ignoring her pained cry. "Love is nothing more than hormone-driven contact, and I already said I don't need contact! People never listen! You're just telling me that what's best for you will work for me by default!" Fuming, he turned around, wrapping his arms around himself.

"I just wanted…to do you a favor…" she whimpered, struggling to sit up.

Johnny looked over his shoulder. "Really. I admire your willingness. But take a fucking hint now and then and leave those who don't want your 'favors' alone!" He whirled around and threw his knife at her, stabbing Epiphany through the heart and pinning her to the wall.

Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. "That felt good. I need a snack…hey, I still have that cheese and pepperoni from earlier! Whee!" Grinning, he ran out of the room and back into the living room, ready to finish what he'd started.


	5. Heaven and Hell's Reject

( Author's Notes: This is going to be the final chapter featuring Sues. Until a new brand of JtHM!Sue comes along, I've pretty much exhausted my sources for now. If I see another type of mainstream Sue come along, I'll either work a chapter into the story, or maybe even write a sequel or one-shot. But for now, I think I've pretty much covered all the basic Sues for this time being. Oh, and by the way…I actually like White Diamonds perfume. "It makes you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin." I like being able to use purple prose in this chapter. Enjoy! )

* * *

Johnny looked out his living room window in disgust. These…things, whatever they were, just kept coming, no matter what he did. Avoiding life didn't work; they just came to him. Killing them didn't work; they just came back. They were like insects, and just as brainless and bothersome. There had to be some way to get rid of them.

Sighing, he stood up. "Might as well go find a cheerleading squad to take my frustration out on," Johnny muttered, poking about for his usual torture instruments. They were scattered throughout his living room, still crusted with blood from his last "frustration release." Finally they were gathered and stored in his handy Black Bag, and Johnny was off.

Walking down the street in the slowly fading sunlight, he drew his cheerleading roster from his bag and studied it. Whenever the high schools formed new cheerleading squads, he made sure to take one of the rosters they distributed almost everywhere, so no one could miss their precious practices. "If I'm right, the high school should be in the middle of practice right now. Perfect," he said. He began folding the roster to put back into his back, and as he looked down, Johnny didn't manage to see the girl walking towards him.

_WHAM._

The collision threw Johnny onto his back and caused him to crack his head on the sidewalk. For being such a sickly looking person, he was awfully resilient, because he got back up right away, rubbing his head. "Ow…hey, bitch, you'd better…ohh…" His voice trailed off as he got a look at whom he had actually crashed into.

_Not another one._

She had long, wavy black hair that was perfectly curled, curves in all the right places, a sexy black dress and matching platforms that accentuated her already amazing figure, a silver pentagram necklace around her perfectly pale neck, and…purple eyes? _Who the fuck has purple eyes besides that woman with that nasty perfume?_ thought Johnny, a disgusted look crossing his face. Her rose-petal lips were forming a smile, since it seemed she had figured he was impressed, by the way his voice trailed off.

"Oh, _do_ forgive me. I've been awfully busy lately, planning revenge on whoever helped make my life a little more angstier than it already is. It's really quite tough, being half-demon, half-angel, half-human, immortal, and unloved by all because your father is Satan and your mother is head of the angel princesses."

_Ho-LY fuck, this one's the worst of them all._

The girl gasped, raising a pair of delicate hands to her face, the nails painted a lustrous red, which really matched nothing else she wore. "Oh, pardon me! My manners are terrible. Here, let me help you up," she said, grabbing Johnny's wrist and hoisting him to his feet. He winced and recoiled, but she didn't seem to notice. "There, now that I've helped you up, I suppose I can properly introduce myself. My name is Demonia Satirea, heiress to the kingdom of Wangstoria! I have demon and angelic powers, but I'm also human! I can die, even though I'm immortal! See? I'm not perfect!"

Johnny was speechless. Shaking his head in a defeated sort of way, he opened his bag once again and began rummaging through it, tossing various items of diabolical torture onto the ground, muttering to himself.

Demonia blinked those amethyst eyes of hers. "Are you alright? I saw you looking through that when you were walking down the street. Did you lose something? Can I use my amazing powers to help you?" Her response was an irritated glare as Johnny stood up, clutching the biggest knife in his collection in one hand and a fully charged taser in the other.

"You know, I was originally planning my afternoon vent around the cheerleading squad. But since you showed up, another link in a disgusting chain of recent events, I think you'll do just fine. I'll just cut to the point with this one." Sparing his usual rant, he leapt towards Demonia, his knife brandished and the electrodes of his taser crackling with electricity.

Gasping, Demonia immediately drew her arms in an X-formation over her face, causing a pair of wings to sprout from her back, in a flurry of feathers and sparkles. (_Dark_ sparkles, mind you.) They were traditional demon wings, but instead of the normal structure frame, made of leather, it was made of black feathers. They drew themselves around her body, and when Johnny's knife struck them uselessly, they caused sparks to fly. "The fuck?" he wondered aloud, trying to stab them again. "These things are hard as stone!"

Cackling, Demonia's wings unfolded, and Johnny could see that her eyes were now glowing red. "You like them? They're made of brimstone and sulfur! Your useless human weapons cannot pierce my wings!"

As soon as she said "brimstone and sulfur," Johnny wrinkled his nose. "So that's what the smell was. I thought a building had caught on fire."

"Wrong again, puny human! Now! Watch me fly so I can look dramatic as I kill you!" she yelled, taking off into the air. Unfortunately, her wings were quite heavy. As she soon found out, flying with large slabs of rock on your back isn't exactly graceful. She was only able to get about four feet into the air, and frowned as she realized this. "Well. I suppose I can still hover. But I'm still going to kill you," she said pointedly. Laughing loudly, she drew her arms around in a circle, forming a ring of purple and black energy around her body.

With an expression that could only be summed up as "bitch, _please_," Johnny shook his head. "Yeeeah. This is starting to get ridiculous. I think I'll do something nice for once in my life and just put you out of your misery now," he said, reaching down for his knife. Apparently, the triple-half creature in the air couldn't hear him, because she still hovered, looking—or trying to look—fierce and angry.

_Here goes nothing,_ thought Johnny, since he had never done this sort of thing before. He thrust his knife into the air, hoping that he would do something right for once. Looking up, he watched the blade sail through the air in an arch, and it pierced the center of the pentagram necklace. Demonia fell to the ground in a screaming, twisting heap as her body surged with purple electricity, stemming from the shattered pentagram. "My…my necklace! The source of my power; how did you know?!"

"Um…" Johnny quirked an eyebrow. "I didn't?"

Demonia screamed in agony, raising a hand into the air. "My kingdom will never have its most powerful ruler! I'll never get to meet an equally evil prince! NOOOooo…" Her expression froze in place as her entire body stiffened, then disintegrated into a pile of dark, sparkly purple dust. Johnny could only stare at it in disbelief before pulling his knife out of the pile.

"Well, _that_ was a strange one," he said to himself. He bent down to put his knife back in his bag, but behind him came a pair of footsteps…

"Did you kill our sister?"

Whirling around, Johnny saw a pair of identical demon-angel-human…things behind him. Their arms were crossed and their expressions furious. The only difference between them and the one he had just killed was their hair colors—one was a brunette, the other a blonde.

"Fuuuuuck! No! No!" Johnny yelled, dropping his head into his hands. "Not more of them! Damnit! Shit! I just got done with this one!" Frustrated, he stormed over to the nearest tree and began hitting his head on the trunk. "Why—can't—they—leave—me—" He smacked his head just a little too hard on the last word, because Johnny suddenly fell over backwards into the grass unconcious, leaving the other two to stare at him blankly.

The blonde blinked. "Wow. Someone forgot his antidepressants."

"Yeah," said the brunette. "Let's just take Demonia's ashes and get the hell out of here." They produced a baggie out of seemingly nowhere and brushed the ashes and pentagram fragments into it, then disappeared back to the kingdom of Wangstoria.

Meanwhile, Johnny lay in the grass, bark splinters tangled in his hair, slightly bleeding in the forehead. He was slipping deeper into unconciousness…


	6. Origins and Revelations

( Author's Notes: Well, here we are. The last chapter of what was intended to be a one-shot story. Really, I never did expect to brutally mutilate all the various types of JtHM!Sues, but your reviews and the sadist deep inside influenced me to continue. Thank you all so much; you guys are wonderful! Hopefully my later stories will have more content and will be better planned out than this one…and maybe I can actually find myself a beta for the future. Heh. Anyway, as always, enjoy! )

As consciousness slowly returned, Johnny could feel a certain warmth overwhelming him. Groaning, he sat up, rubbing his head. After a moment he managed to open an eye, the sight of a deserted city greeting him. A deep orange sky loomed overhead, and a hot breeze swirled the dust in the long-forgotten road. "Hell. Fantastic," he muttered. "I suppose I ended up killing myself again—"

"Not exactly." A deep, familiar voice cut him off. Turning around, Johnny looked up into the face of Mr. Satan, properly known as Señor Diablo. "Hello, Johnny. Nice to see you again, hm?"

"Peachy, Satan. Mind telling me why I'm here if I'm not dead?" Johnny said, standing up and brushing his clothes off. He threw the evil ruler a glare, knowing he was destined for this place sooner or later. He just thought that, you know, you weren't supposed to be here and still alive. It kind of defeated the purpose of the whole "life after death" situation. Mr. Satan chuckled slightly, irritating him further. "What? What's so funny?"

He looked down at Johnny, enjoying how short-tempered he was. "Oh, this whole situation. You see, normally we don't tell people what happens in these cases, but with how you are, and what happened…last time, we thought it would be a good idea. If we'd let this go on, you'd probably kill yourself again, and it's _such_ a hassle to reinstall existence every time a flusher commits suicide."

"Cases? What cases?" Johnny pointed at Satan, who watched with an expression of mild boredom. "Does this have anything to do with those annoying little fucks I've been killing like flies lately?"

"Actually, yes. That's why you're here; I wanted to explain it all to you before you got out of control. Come on, I'll take you somewhere more appropriate to show you." He led Johnny out of the deserted district, into a more populated area. "As you know, these are the normal denizens of Hell. They all have huge, glaring flaws, which is why they're here."

A man across the street pushed his companion and pointed towards the girl he was accompanying, yelling something inaudible. The two promptly began to get into a fistfight, people crowding around to watch the spectacle. "Obviously. What's your point?" said Johnny.

Satan beckoned, leading Johnny away from the scene. "Of course, they're all normally from Earth. All humans there have their own flaws and problems, and the girls who found you didn't, correct? Well, you're here to find out why."

The two stopped in front of a large building, in the middle of the city. "'Sue Makers, Inc.'?" Johnny read, looking at the plaque on the building. "I'm still not getting it."

"You will inside. Come on," said Satan, pushing the door open. Johnny entered, and he followed, waving to the perky receptionist behind the front desk. "It's a tour, Karen. No need to sign in," he said.

They walked through a long stone hallway, lit by a few fluorescent lights hanging from overhead. There were doors here and there, but the largest one was rusted and bolted, made from steel with a "DANGER" sign plastered in clear view. "Here's where everything started, Johnny. The Mary Sue headquarters, it's hell in Hell. Here, put on this hard hat," Satan said, plunking a large, tacky yellow plastic hat on Johnny's head.

"I'm in Hell, I can't get hurt. I'll be fine when I become conscious again," Johnny said.

Satan shrugged. "They're still good for decoration." He opened the door and led Johnny inside, wincing at the sudden smell that permeated the room. "I can never get over how sickly sweet it smells in here. Come on."

He showed Johnny past several stations, shielded by concrete guards, with workers mixing several colored liquids into steel cauldrons. Fizzing sparks and clouds of smoke billowed when the ingredients were added, and a few explosions could be heard here and there. Satan stopped in front of a station near the center of the room, indicating a large shelf holding several bottles of the liquids and many canisters of powder. Now that he was closer, Johnny could see that each bottle and can had a label on it.

"Alright, Johnny, this is where the girls you met first started. They're called Mary Sues, and they were first created as a joke exclusive to Hell. You see, a lot of men were complaining about how they never could have the perfect woman while they were alive—it was mostly the ones who lusted after every whore they saw and cheated on their wives regularly. A few of them ended up getting together, and got some scientist that died in an explosion a couple of years ago. Too much messing around with those explosive elements," Satan said, waving his hand.

"So, these men eventually developed what was basically a sentient blow-up doll, if you will. Unfortunately, while they were somewhat intelligent in the scientific sense, they were none too bright with names. One of them was a hillbilly, I think. Anyway, the girl was named Mary Sue, and all was well, even if she was a bit lacking in brains. The men happily shared her, and she even made her way around Hell, charming everyone she met. Everyone loved her, but some of the smarter people knew she was a joke. Pretty soon, everyone wanted their own, and that's when the Mary Sue industry got pretty big. They became the pet rocks of Hell."

Johnny blinked. "If they wanted the perfect woman to fuck, why didn't they just buy a blow-up doll?"

"Don't interrupt, I'm on a roll," scolded Satan. "Anyway. Different people wanted different types of Mary Sues. The original creators tried to make more, but they couldn't handle all the orders they were getting. They eventually sold out to one of the biggest novelty production companies in Hell. They got a pretty good amount of money for the patent, too. I think they have a couple of condos and a yacht somewhere in the river Styx.

So, this new company began mass producing Sues, as they were nicknamed, for different personality types, using these liquids and powders to make compounds. For those who wrote lame poetry, wore black all the time, and drank nothing but five-dollar coffees, there was the Goth Sue model. For those who wanted nothing but happiness, sunshine, and diabetes, there was the Perky Sue model. For perfectionists, there was the Flawless Sue. For fanfiction writers, there was the Long-Lost Twin Sue." Satan indicated the different liquids used to create the Sues as he named them off, labeled as "angst," "sugar-high," and "drama," respectively.

"Mary Sues were huge. One of the best jokes ever, I believe. However, someone who was either drunk or just incredibly stupid and smart managed to create a rip between Hell and Earth one day. Someone else's Mary Sue managed to find the rip and, being the inquisitive creature she is, went to Earth, irritating the living. They had no idea what she was, but since they all look human, just passed her off as a severely annoying human."

Frowning, Johnny asked, "So why didn't anyone notice these things were missing?"

"Well, Mary Sue theft was pretty common. People too cheap to spend money would just steal it right off the street. Even though Mary Sues aren't expensive, now that they're mass produced, we've still got the penny pinchers and the people who throw away money like it's nothing," said Satan. "People just went out and bought new ones."

Johnny nodded. It was all starting to come together now. Since nobody could go look for them, they just left their Mary Sues to roam Earth, and eventually…a few loose ones ended up at his house. "Waiiiit…why didn't anyone find this rip?"

"You know how people move around here. It's in one of the deserted areas; we just have to find _which_ one it's in," sighed Satan. "It's really starting to be a bother. Finding the thing could take years. Keep in mind that this whole Mary Sue and rip situation started about thirty-five years ago."

Whirling around, Johnny looked up at Satan. "This shit's been happening for thirty-five years and you haven't done anything about it?!" he yelled. "All this over some stupid joke?"

Satan shrugged again. "I, personally, found it funny."

"You really are cruel."

"Yes, well, that's what I'm supposed to be." Satan began making his way back towards the door, with Johnny in tow. They took off their hats and left them at the door and began walking back down the hallway. Suddenly, one last question sprang to Johnny's mind.

"So…what happened to the Mary Sues I found after I killed them?"

Satan shuddered. "They end up back here. Only they're now human and ten times more annoying than they used to be. You remember Raven? I found her and your old friend Jimmy enjoying each other's company in an alley."

Johnny suddenly felt the urge to retch. That was not the type of mental image he needed.

They were now back onto the main street, the door to the factory slamming shut behind them. Johnny squinted; the building was quite dark and the glaring outside light was jarring to him at first. "So, now that I'm informed…are they going to come back?" he said, sounding hopeful.

"Mmm, I'm not sure," said Satan. "They could. But sometimes Mary Sues move from place to place. Some of them are smart, so maybe since they've seen you dismember a few, they'll leave you alone now."

_Thank God._

"I'll send you back home now," Satan said. "But, before you go, are you sure you wouldn't like to see a little…" A cloud of smoke suddenly appeared, and when it vanished, he stood there in cheerleader form. "…cheerleading routine?"

Johnny yelled, "Oh, _hell no!_"

Satan resumed his usual form. "Oh, you're so dull," he said. With those words, he pointed at Johnny, causing him to disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Back on Earth, Johnny was slowly starting to wake up. He winced as the noontime sun glared down upon him, making opening his eyes quite painful. Rubbing his head, he felt something sticky rolling down his forehead—blood. "Damn, I've got one hell of a headache…" he groaned. He struggled to stand up, gripping the lowest branch with his hand and slowly pulling himself to his feet.

Looking around, he could find no trace of Demonia or her sisters. _Huh. I guess they really are gone._ He looked down to see the contents of his Black Bag strewn all over the ground, the cheerleading roster blown atop of his bloodied knife. The image of Señor Diablo dressed in cheerleader garb suddenly returned, and he groaned, bending down to throw everything back into his bag. "That's it. I'm going to cheerleading practice. It's time to start killing them for fun again," he said, wiping the blood from his forehead and setting off for the high school.

The End.


End file.
